Dear A.,

You must feel like you’re talking to a wall whenever you want to discuss finances. A very expensive wall.

It sounds like you’re doing everything right by presenting evidence and making the case for cutting back. But since your message isn’t getting through, it might be time to take a few steps back and explore a new approach.

Have you asked questions when you talk about money with your husband, or do you just charge ahead, spreadsheets a-blazing?

Try starting the conversation with something like, “I know we’ve talked about trying to save money before, and you probably remember that I have a lot of ideas for how we can go about it. But I want to learn from you: What are your priorities when it comes to money?”

Even if you’ve argued about this a dozen times before, approaching your husband again with curiosity and a genuine desire to learn can help get you started — and on the right foot this time.

The answers might surprise you. Your husband might say that he thinks cable is worth having in exchange for spending less money on nights out, for example. Or he might reveal that he’d love to avoid paying the late fee on a certain bill, but he can’t figure out how to set up autopay without getting frustrated and giving up — we’ve all been there.  

You may think some of his justifications are dumb or that his priorities are off-base. But that doesn’t make his thoughts less valid. Investigating his point of view should help you identify areas where you agree, as well as areas that might be lost causes.

It’s also important to highlight the “why” as much as the “how.” If you aren’t unified in your goals for saving money, you’re going to be at odds trying to make those changes happen.

It’s only then that you can start re-examining a game plan for your family’s finances. He may be willing to let you take the reins of accounts and subscriptions if he doesn’t have the patience to nickel and dime them.

But you, the go-getter, will not know how to proceed productively until you get to the core of what motivates (and demotivates) your husband.

Have a tricky money question? Write to Dear Penny and you might see your question answered in an upcoming column.

Lisa Rowan is a personal finance expert and senior writer at The Penny Hoarder, and the voice behind Dear Penny.

This was originally published on The Penny Hoarder, which helps millions of readers worldwide earn and save money by sharing unique job opportunities, personal stories, freebies and more. The Inc. 5000 ranked The Penny Hoarder as the fastest-growing private media company in the U.S. in 2017.

The Penny Hoarder Promise: We provide accurate, reliable information. Here’s why you can trust us and how we make money.